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The Ultimate Battle


The year is 2005.  The Autobots control Moonbase 1, and have recently
acquired control of the 2nd Cybertronian moon.

Optimus Prime paces his command center on Moonbase 1.

Optimus Prime:  Everything is proceeding according to schedule.  If we
can get enough of a foothold, then with enough energon we can win this
war once and for all.

Bumblebee:   This is the 738,200th time he's given this
speech, and I'm not tired of it yet.

Optimus Prime:  Bumblebee, I want you to go to Moonbase 2 and secure our

There is a brief flash of crackling blue energy which fills the room.

Ironhide:  Huh?  What were we talking about?

Bumblebee:  I'm not sure... my mind must have wandered.

Optimus Prime :  I wish you two would pay attention.  As I was
saying... er... Bumblebee and I will go to Moonbase 2 to secure our

And with that decision, the future events which were to come in the
future, are irrevocably change for ever.  The normal timeline has skewed
off into an alternate one.

Opening sequence:


Optimus Prime:  You're in charge, Ironhide.

Ironhide :  Now, a chance for some real power.

Ironhide:  Cliffjumper!  Go clean up my quarters!

Cliffjumper:  Yes, sir.

Ironhide :  It's as sweet as I dreamed it would be.

Meanwhile on the shuttle...

Optimus Prime:  Proceed to Moonbase 2, Bumblebee.

Bumblebee:  Um, Optimus, isn't that Laserbeak perched on the wing of the
shuttle, listening to all our plans?

Optimus Prime:  Why, yes.  That can't be good.

Bumblebee:  Well?

Optimus Prime:  Well, what?

Bumblebee:  Aren't you going to blast him or something?

Optimus Prime:  Actually, I have a better idea.

Optimus Prime pulls out a box from under the seat.

Bumblebee:  What's that?

Optimus Prime:  I didn't tell you about this?

Bumblebee:  No...

Optimus Prime:  Good thing I came along, then.  Wheeljack invented a
machine to deal with all the Decepticon spies who are always, er, spying
on us.  Soundwave's tapes, that is.  

Optimus Prime activates the machine and points it at Laserbeak. 
Laserbeak looks confused.

Optimus Prime goes out onto the wing of the shuttle.

Optimus Prime:  There now, Condorbot, what are you doing out here?  Come
in with the rest of your friends.

Laserbeak:  Condorbot?  Is that my name?  Who are you?  Who am I?

Optimus Prime:  Come inside, we'll explain it.  Somehow you've got


Bumblebee:  So Wheeljack's device worked.

Optimus Prime:  Yep.  In fact, I can't believe we never thought of it
before.  A giant magnet erased all the information on Laserbeak's tape. 
He has no idea who he is.

Bumblebee:  And you've convinced him he's an Autobot?

Optimus Prime:  Yup.

Bumblebee:  "Condorbot"?

Optimus Prime grins.

Bumblebee:  You've got a mean streak, Prime.

Optimus Prime:  Just my little bit of revenge on that lousy bird.


Optimus Prime:  Prepare to land at Moonbase 2, Bumblebee.

Bumblebee:  There's a minor problem, Prime...

Optimus Prime:  What's that, little fellow?

Bumblebee:  The controls don't work.  Your magnetic gizmo must've fried

Optimus Prime:  That's bad, isn't it?

Bumblebee:  Er, yes.

Optimus Prime:  So what happens now?

Bumblebee:  We fly past Moonbase 2, and out of the solar system.

Optimus Prime:  That's bad, isn't it?

Bumblebee:  Yes...

2 Weeks Later...

Optimus Prime:  I'm bored.

Bumblebee:  C'mon, everybody loves Karoke!

Condorbot is playing "When a Man Loves a Woman."

Bumblebee:  C'mon, sing Prime!

Optimus Prime:  I'm sick of it.  I'm sick of you, I'm sick of this
shuttle, I'm sick of Karoke, and as for Condorbot... I'm sick of him.

Condorbot:  If you don't like the song, just say so.

Optimus Prime:  It's not the song...

Condorbot:  I mean, it's not like it was the Michael Bolton version or

Optimus Prime:  Just never mind.

Condorbot:  I mean, then I could understand getting in a snit.  But
frankly, I think your attitude is uncalled for.

Optimus Prime:  Just shut up, "Condorbot," before I pull your wings off.

2 weeks later...

Bumblebee:  I'm a little teapot, short and stout, this is my handle...

Optimus Prime:  Don't make me hurt you.

2 weeks later...

Optimus Prime and Bumblebee are playing cards.  Condorbot comes out of
the control room.

Condorbot:  There's planet up ahead.

They rush to the control room.

Optimus Prime:  A planet!

Bumblebee:  So what?  We still can't control the ship, so we can't land
on it.

Optimus Prime:  Oh, yeah.

Little do they know, that this planet is none other than Unicron, the
giant Transformer who seeks to dominate the Universe.

Unicron moves to intercept the shuttle.

Unicron:  I am Unicron.

Optimus Prime:  Who said that?

Unbeknownst to them, Unicron's incredible gravitational field,
interacting with the magnetic trail of the shuttle, causes a rip in the
fabric of the shuttle's tablecloth.

Condorbot :  Did you guys hear that?

Bumblebee:  Hmm?

Condorbot::  Never mind.

Unicron:  I, Unicron, will--

But before Unicron begins his long rambling speech about the destruction
of the matrix and conquest of the Universe...

Condorbot:  I hate to get all technical, but... swirly thing alert!

Bumblebee:  It's some kind of wormhole!

Optimus Prime:  It's a tear in space-time!

Condorbot:  Whatever it is, we're going in.

The swirly thing swallows both Unicron and the shuttle.


Han Solo:  Did you get the hyperdrive fixed yet, Chewy?

Chewy:  Roar.

Han Solo:  I can't believe I listened to your directions.  Here we are,
floating powerless to avoid detection, right next to the blasted Death

Chewy:  Woof.

Han Solo:  I mean, I can't think of a worse place to come out of

Chewy:  Meow.

Han Solo:  Honestly, you're the worst navigator I've ever seen...

Chewy:  Whine.

Han Solo :  What the smeg is that?

A giant swirly thing appears in space, swallowing the Death Star and the
Millennium Falcon.


Optimus Prime:  All right, this is just getting silly.

Bumblebee:  The shuttle controls are back online!

Unicron:  I'm confused.

Optimus Prime:  Let's get out of here.

Condorbot:  Where are we?

Bumblebee:  I have no idea.

Optimus Prime:  Just go, and step on it.  I don't like the looks of that
talking planet.  I have a sneaking suspicion that just before that
swirly thing showed up, he was going to give a monotone speech about
universal domination.

Bumblebee: Okay...

The shuttle speeds off.  Unicron flies off the other way, because he has
to sort out what has happened to him, and he doesn't want anyone to
think he doesn't know what's going on.


Chewy:  Purr.

Han Solo:  *Now* you've got the hyperdrive fixed?  Great timing... get
us out of here!

The Falcon speeds off, while aboard the Death Star...

Darth Vader: I feel a great disturbance in the force.

Imperial officer:  Yeah?

Darth Vader:  Actually, no.  I don't feel the force at all.  This is
weird.  The force, the power that flows through the Universe, it's gone,
I can't feel it.

Imperial officer:  Oh, *really*... so if I were to say you're an old
geezer with dubious fashion sense and an overly dramatic synthesized
voice, you wouldn't be able to choke me to death by moving your finger.

Darth Vader:  That's right.

He whips out his light saber and cuts the officer in half.

Darth Vader:  But fortunately... 

Meanwhile, later on (to allow for travel time)...

The Autobot shuttle makes contact with the rebel alliance.

Luke:  So, you're giant transforming robots from another time and place.

Optimus Prime:  Yup.  I am Optimus Prime, and this is my catamite,

Bumblebee:  Hi.

Optimus Prime:  And this is... Condorbot.

Luke and the other rebels try to suppress their snickering, and fail.

Luke:  ... "Condorbot"?

Condorbot:  Yeah?  So?

Luke:  No, it's good to meet you... Condorbot!

Condorbot:  I hate you all.

Luke:  This is Princess Leia.

Optimus Prime:  Princess?  Of what?

Leia:  Alderaan.

Optimus Prime:  I hope to visit your world someday.

Leia bursts into tears.

Luke:  Actually, Alderaan was destroyed.

Optimus Prime:  So, this "Princess" thing doesn't have a lot of meaning
anymore, then, does it?

Bumblebee:  Prime...

Optimus Prime:  I mean, being a Monarch of a non-existent place isn't
all that impressive.

Bumblebee:  Prime...

Optimus Prime:  I mean, I could say I'm the Emperor of Tawoniston.  That
place doesn't exist either.  So why should anyone care?

Bumblebee:  Prime!

Optimus Prime:  Right, enough talk.  We must get back to our own
universe, or own galaxy, or whatever.

Condorbot:  It'll be a little difficult to get back, won't it,
considering we don't know if we're in another universe, or just another
galaxy of the same one, or another time in the same one, or what.

Optimus Prime:  Nobody asked you.

Luke:  Since you are fighters for good, as are we, can you help us in
our fight against the evil empire?

Optimus Prime:  Oh, all right.

Luke:  There is a mighty battle station called the Death Star...

Bumblebee:  Is that that big round thing with the concave thingy?

Luke:  Yes...

Bumblebee:  We saw that on the way in.  I think it's gone.  It went into
the swirly thing.

Luke:  This is incredible!  The war is over!  Victory!

The Rebels dance, and listen to some Billy Idol.

Condorbot:  Er, why don't you tell them about that planet that came here
with us?

Optimus Prime:  Oh, yes, there's a giant planet that is bent of
universal domination.

Leia: That's not good, is it?


Ironhide:  So, let me get this straight... you two flesh critters came
here through a big swirly thing, and there's a big moon-sized battle
station that can destroy a planet here now too?

Han Solo:  Uh-huh.

Ironhide:  Great.  Just great.  Now what do we do?  Game over, man. 
Game over.

Cliffjumper:  Pull yourself together!  

Ironhide:  We will unite our forces with the Decepticons, and destroy
this menace.  Then, when the Decepticons are busy trying to stab us in
the back and betray the alliance, we'll betray *them* and seize control
of Cybertron!  Yes!

Cliffjumper:  I don't think that's what Prime would do.

Ironhide:  Well, he ain't here, is he?


The Rebels and the three Autobots are launching an attack on Unicron. 
Unicron still hasn't figured out what happened, but he isn't about to
let anyone find *that* out.  He transforms and starts swatting rebel
ships left and right.


The Millenium Falcon and the combined Autobot and Decepticon armies
attack the dreaded Death Star.  Moonbase 2 is destroyed.  Things are
looking grim.


Optimus Prime:  Now, light our darkest hour!

Optimus Prime reaches inside his chest for the Matrix, but it isn't

Flashback to the day before they left Moonbase 1.  Optimus Prime is in
his quarters, wiping the dust off the Matrix with a wet paper towel.

Jazz:  Prime!  We need you out here a second!

Optimus Prime:  Be right there.

He sets the Matrix down on his end table and rushes out the door.

Return to present.

Optimus Prime:  'Doh!

Bumblebee:  If only we had the Matrix with us, we would triumph.

Leia:  What's the Matrix?

Optimus Prime:  No one can be told what the Matrix is.  You have to see
it for yourself.

Leia:  Right...


Ironhide is rummaging through Prime's quarters, looking for his diary.

Ironhide:  Hang on.  The Matrix!  He left it behind.

He picks it up.

Voice of Alpha Trion:  Arise, Ironhideous Prime.

Ironhide:  What did you call me?

Alpha Trion:  Er, nothing.

Ironhide returns to the bridge, and sees the Death Star getting ready to
destroy Cybertron.

Ironhideous Prime:  Now, light our... wait, how do you open this thing?

Cliffjumper:  It looks like there's finger holes on the sides.

Ironhideous Prime:  Let there be light!

The Matrix Opens.  A Giant Swirly thing opens, and the Death Star and
Millenium Falcon are sucked into it.


Luke:  Hang on.  I forgot about the force.

Leia:  Oh, yeah.

Condorbot:  What's that?

Luke:  It's an energy field which permeates all living things.

Condorbot:  But we can't see it.
Luke:  No.

Condorbot:  Sounds like The Ether to me.

Luke:  Shut up.

Luke uses the force.  Unicron reaches up and pokes himself in the eyes.

Luke:  This is easy!  If only I'd thought of this earlier, half our
fleet wouldn't have been wiped out.  C'est la vie.

Leia:  Live and learn.

Luke:  Oh, well, can't be helped, can't be helped.

Just then, a giant swirly thing opens up.

Optimus Prime:  The Swirly Thing!

Bumblebee:  Quick, let's get in our ship and make tracks!

Optimus Prime :  ...Nah.  Too easy.

Optimus Prime:  Yes, let us depart.

They get in the shuttle.

Condorbot:  What wants Karaoke!

Optimus Prime:  Oh, are you coming too?  Rats.

They fly into the Swirly thing, which sucks in Unicron also.

The Millenium Falcon comes out.

Leia:  Look!  Han's back!

Han Solo:  What's wrong with my back?

Luke:  Blast.  He's back.  Just when I was making some progress with

Ben's ghost:  She's your sister, Luke.

Luke:  And?

Ben's ghost:  ...

Luke:  What she doesn't know...


Cliffjumper:  Ironhide!  It's Prime's shuttle!

Ironhideous Prime:  Quick!  Clean this place up!

Optimus Prime:  Ironhide, you've got some splaining to do...

Condorbot:  Does anyone know where Unicron went?  He didn't come out
with us.


Han:  Where's the Death Star?  It didn't come out of the swirly thing
with us.

Luke:  I dunno. 

Meanwhile, aboard the Death Star.

Darth Vader:  I've been having tremendous difficulty with my lifestyle

Imperial officer (not the same one that Vader sliced in half earlier): 
We appear to have been transported again.

Darth Vader:  Duh.

Imperial Officer:  I can't tell where we are.

Unicron :  I'm confused again.

Unicron sees the Death Star and moves toward it.

Darth Vader:  A giant robot is moving towards us.  That can't be good.

Unicron:  Prepare to be destroyed!

Darth Vader:  Well, we can destroy planets.  I think we have little to
fear from a droid, no matter how big it is.  Prepare to fire the--

A giant object comes from above and squashes both Unicron and the Death
Star flat.  As we pan back we see it is the heel of the shoe of one
Adolf Hitler, standing at a lectern, shifting his weight as he speaks to
an excited crowd.


Condorbot:  I wonder whatever happened to Unicron, and that Death Star
thing.  With that strange swirly thing, anything could happen.

Optimus Prime:  Shut up and play that funky music.  I'm in the mood...
to SING!