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News From Cybertron
12/02/09 - Download Audio Version
An unnamed Decepticon contacted this station today informing us that his leader, Megatron, had just finished watching the Earth movie Tron for the one-millionth time. Upon the completion of his millionth viewing of the film, he proceeded to make a comment to his troops about it being apropos due to his name being Mega Tron.
Our source conjectures that Megatron was attempting to use humour to bond with his troops, who have complained of his verbally abusive leadership style in the past.
Apparently his efforts were met with forced laughter and puzzled sidelong glances.
Our source said, "Leaving aside the utter lameness of the joke itself, it's rather disconcerting that he actually did watch the movie one million times in order to make the joke. I mean, he could have just said that he did. We're Decepticons, lying is in our name, for sparking out loud!"
While it is true that a Cybertronian can watch digital film on fast-forward through direct neural interface and thus watch 400,000 cycles worth of footage in only 12 cycles, it's still a fairly long time to spend on a single poor joke.
Megatron also made remarks about the film having a real downer ending, as the noble Master Control Program is murdered by evil flesh creatures.
11/25/09 - Download Audio Version
Autobots all over Cybertron are gathering together in large groups to celebrate the relatively new holiday "Thanksgiving." When a group of Autobots were stranded on Earth twenty-five stellar cycles ago, the humans introduced them to this celebration of friendship between different cultures, contentment with what one has, and gross overindulgence of comestibles.
Autobots and humans now celebrate Thanksgiving together on Earth, and the Autobots on Cybertron celebrate in randomly generated "family units" rather than a single gathering. There has been criticism against some aspects lifted from Earth culture, such as relegating minibots to a "kids' table."
Since Autobots do not ingest food, even those who have mouths instead of faceplates, the feasting portion is slightly different. Energon crystal is carved into the shapes of Earth animals such as Turkey and venison, in the manner of ice sculpture, and thus an art contest has been integrated with the new holiday. Those bots with integrated chainsaw weapons tend to be most proficient in this event.
There is disagreement on who should be the recipient of the thanks in thanksgiving. Not all the bots believe in Primus, and the ones that accept the Quintessons as their makers have little reason to actually thank them for it.
The Decepticons have historically eschewed human culture as inferior, however, one of their human slaves did give them a rather unpleasant interpretation of the holiday, wherein Europeans and the American Aboriginal peoples celebrated their friendship, and afterwards the former eradicated the latter with imported diseases and took possession of all their property. Since then the Decepticons have been inviting humans to their own Thanksgiving feasts, but having been snookered by Decepticon overtures of friendship in the past, most humans have RSVP'd in the negative.
10/21/09 - Download Audio Version
In a startling turn of events this week, Blast Off has resigned from the Combaticons. He has teamed up with Astrotrain to form a new subgroup, the Space Shuttle Super Squad.
In his public statement, Blast Off stated:
"I have not been happy in the Combaticons. All I ever hear is 'what does a space shuttle have to do with combat vehicles'? It is very tiresome.
The fact is that the most important military fact of this century is that there is no way to repel an attack from outer space.
As a space shuttle, all I need do is fly to the Asteroid belt, or Earth's moon, grab a 100-ton rock, and drop it on Earth. Earth's gravity does the rest; it's speed at impact will be 11 kilometers per second, resulting in a concussive explosion equivalent to a 2 kiloton atomic bomb.
Rather than having nothing to do with combat, all will soon see that a space shuttle is in fact the mightiest combat form of all!"
At this point Blast Off began laughing maniacally while Astrotrain clapped his hands and whistled... using his train whistle.
The new team, dubbed the SS (for space shuttle), has been approved by Megatron, who is reportedly drawing up new battle plans that he believes will end the war once and for all.
We asked Bruticus to comment on Blast Off's departure. He said, "I am sorry that Blast Off did not get the public respect he deserved and felt he had to leave. We always respected him in our team. I still hold out hope he might reconsider his decision. I'm not sure how we'll get along without him; I'd give my left arm to have him back."
Finally, we asked the Autobots to comment on the new menace of Megatron's SS.
Ultra Magnus replied, "I wouldn't exactly call this a new menace. As far as we can tell, Blast Off is a little bit crocked, because he clearly got this idea from a essay by an Earth science fiction writer named Robert A. Heinlein, and I don't think he realizes it was written back in 1950. The modern combination of human and Autobot technology makes vaporizing large meteorites and shielding ground locations from bombardment relatively trivial. But don't quote me on that; we don't want them to know how bad their plan actually is."
10/07/09 - Download Audio Version
Decepticon warrior Counterpunch was found dead this morning. Autobot scientist Perceptor examined the body and found damaged but recoverable data tracks, which allowed authorities to piece together what happened.
It seems that Counterpunch was at a Decepticon base when a new wave of software updates was released. As several began to compare notes about the latest patches and upgrades to their systems, Counterpunch's eyes began to glow blue, and a voice was heard to say, quote, "Warning: Decepticon Genuine Advantage validation failure. This Decepticon Warrior is not genuine. Please concentrate your firepower on the torso area to resolve this problem." unquote.
We asked Autobot Ultra Magnus for his comments. He said, "While I'm happy to have one less Decepticon to worry about, murder is always a tragedy. But it says something about the Decepticon way of life, that they so casually kill their own kind."
In other news, the Autobot Punch has been reported missing. He is known to disappear on personal business on frequent occasions, so it may not be serious, but he is overdue, so if you have any information as to his whereabouts, please contact this station.
09/29/09 - Download Audio Version
Autobot Medic Ratchet was placed under arrest today under article 104 of the Cybertron Code of Military Justice. He is charged high treason, namely, "lending aid and comfort to the enemy."
He is accused of covertly crossing enemy lines and actually providing medical services to the Decepticons, the Autobots mortal enemies for too many eons to count. Upon his arrest, he waived his right to remain silent, and apparently admitted guilt, saying, "I'm a doctor, that's what I do. When someone is injured, I treat them. I don't let bots die just because they wear the wrong faction symbol." He then began humming the theme tune to M*A*S*H, an Earth television show, and was led away to a detention facility.
Special Prosecutor Prowl spoke to RFC reporters following the arrest: "This has been coming for a long time. We knew someone had to be helping the Decepticons, because they actually have no doctors of their own. We should have won this war ages ago. I'm afraid Ratchet will have to pay for all the suffering that has resulted from prolonging this conflict."
Ratchet's defense attorney, Wheelie, issued a statement of his own: "Wheelie say, Ratchet no traitor, okay? Hypocratic oath is legit, so you must acquit."