The Transformers: The Movie: The Parody
News From Cybertron
Transformers: Animated: Reviews
Warning: this is a bad fanfic. I'm not just saying that. It really
isn't funny. I don't know why I'm posting it. This is what happens
when I just sit down and start writing. No ideas, no nothing. And of
course, no editing. I never edit, even when, as in this case, it
clearly *needs* it.
I just sat down and said "I'm bored, I think I'll write a fanfic." No
ideas. An errant idea came: Rattrap's last line (which is completely
stupid). That's all I had, and then this thing just came out. I know
it's no good because I didn't even laugh, and I usually laugh at my own
stuff (that's how arrogant I am). The last line is shamelessly lifted
from "The Most Dangerous Game" for no real reason.
The four crewmembers of the Axalon are gathered together.
Primal: I've been noticing a morale problem lately.
Rattrap: You don't think that the fact that we're at war, and our every
waking minute is saturated in violence and horror, and we could all buy
it at any time, is perhaps just possibly a factor in your assessment?
Primal: Nah. You're such a pessimist.
Rattrap: I am not! I use the can, just like the rest of you!
Primal: That's not what I meant. Although...
Rhinox: So what is causing the morale problem, and what do we do about
Primal: The crew is depressed because... we haven't had a fun party in
Cheetor: A party! Coolness.
Rattrap: Kid, don't make me groom your fur.
Cheetor: That doesn't sound like much of a threat.
Rattrap: From the *inside*?
Primal: See? Everyone squabbling. A nice social getogether will cheer
Rhinox: I know! We can throw a surprise party for Dinobot.
Cheetor: Why him?
Rhinox: Because he's the only one not here, so it has to be him or no
Rattrap : I'll be surprised if any of these wimps make it out
of here alive.
Primal: That's a great idea. In fact, we can celebrate his birthday.
Primal: It was six months ago today that Dinobot joined the Maximals.
He was born again into a team of comradeship and trust.
Cheetor : Okay, even *I'm* getting sick now.
Rhinox: I'll make the cake.
Primal: Make it so.
* * * *
Dinobot is stealthily sneaking up on the Predacon base.
Dinobot: Those Maximal fools will never win this war. It is up to me.
He blasts a hole in the ship, and enters. Waspinator, Tarantulus,
Scorponok, and Terrorsaur are dispatched to deal with him. Dodging and
blasting, he manages to get past them all, facing down Megatron in his
Dinobot: That's my name. DON'T wear it out.
Megatron: Such skill... such guile. It may have been an error on my
part to release you from my service.
Dinobot: The last error you'll ever make.
Waspinator's decapitated head : Oh, yeah, *right*.
Megatron: Come now, Dinobot--
He starts to lunge out of the tub, but Dinobot cuts off his right arm,
and while Megatron is reeling from the blow, cuts of his left as well.
Dinobot stands over Megatron, with sword raised.
Dinobot: You cheated us. The Predacon's needed a leader to bring them
to glory. You cheated us.
He raises his sword.
"Optimus Primal to Dinobot... come in, Dinobot..."
Dinobot slaps his chest. "Dinobot here," he growls. "I'm busy."
Primal: "Return to base immediately."
Dinobot: But I'm in the--
Primal: "That's an *order*, Dinobot."
Dinobot: Oh, very well. I must obey the orders of my commander.
Dinobot returns to the Axalon.
Primal, Rhinox, Rattrap and Cheetor: *SURPRISE*!
Dinobot: What the smeg?
Rattrap: No, it's cake.
Dinobot: You... ordered me back for *this*?
Primal: But it's your *birthday*!
Dinobot: No it isn't.
Primal: Sure. Six months ago, you joined the Maximals, and were born
again into a team of comradeship and trust.
Cheetor vomits, but in the corner and no one notices.
Dinobot: That is the most... beautiful thing I've ever heard. You guys
like me. You really like me.
Rhinox: Sure we do.
Rattrap: Now blow out the candles, Chopperface.
Dinobot fires an eye-blast.
The rest of the crew is now covered with cake and burnt wax.
Rattrap: I said blow *out* the candles, not blow them up!
Cheetor: What did you wish, Dinobot?
Dinobot just smiles.
* * * *
Megatron looks up. And up. And up. Four giant beings surround him.
Then he realizes. They're not giants.
Terrorsaur: Well, well, well. What do we have here? *Who* said I'd
never amount to anything? *Who* said I'd never sit in the Big Chair?
Megatron shrinks back, as the massive Pterosaur looms closer.
Five minutes and a good meal later...
He had never sat in a more comfortable chair, Terrorsaur decided.