The Transformers: The Movie: The Parody
News From Cybertron
Transformers: Animated: Reviews
RFC-TFTM Part 4
Brief intro music
Radio Free Cybertron presents:
Transformers: The Movie
ViceGripX as Hot Rod
Túrin as Perceptor
Amanda Bonner Church as Arcee
Brian Kilby as Galvatron
Zobovor as everyone else
With Special Guest Star...
Sean Connery as Kup
Ethan Edwards as Daniel Witwicky
Narrator: As Galvatron, formerly known as Megatron, and his newly fashioned troops head towards Earth, the Autobots consider their course of action in light of the new menace, which is more dangerous than all the Decepticons put together.
Ultra Magnus: Autobots, this new menace is more dangerous than all the Decepticons put together.
Narrator: I could have sworn I just said that.
Ultra Magnus: This giant cannibilistic planet could spell doom for our homeworld and all we've ever known. The time has come to act, and act fast!
DANIEL: Wait! What about my dad? He's on the moon between that monster planet and Cybertron.
Ultra Magnus: Oh, I must have forgotten to mention it... the moon got eaten. Sorry, I thought you were here for that part.
Arcee: Don't worry, Daniel, there's a point-0048 percent chance he's still alive. So you see, you shouldn't lose hope.
Ultra Magnus: C'mon, let's get off this dirtball.
Hot Rod: Hold it! We've got to destroy that thing before it reaches Cybertron.
SPRINGER: How, pray tell? If that thing crunches moons it'll make short work of us. <under his breath> What are you going to do, try to wrestle it like you did Megatron? That worked real well...
Ultra Magnus: Maybe the Matrix can stop it.
HOT ROD: You're right, it can!
KUP: What do *you* know about it? You cop a cheap feel on the Matrix while Prime lays clutching to the last threads of life, and suddenly you're the World's Greatest Expert on All Things Matrix-esque?
HOT ROD: I just think--
SPRINGER: LOOK! Who are *they*?
Galvatron and company attack. Galvatron is flying Cyclonus.
Ultra Magnus: To the shuttles! Get out of my way!
GALVATRON: I, Galvatron, formerly known as Megatron, will crush you just as Megatron, now known as Galvatron, crushed Prime, [Pause] Who is now known as Mr. dead-pants. Ha!
MAGNUS: You want to run that by me one more time?
GALVATRON: <muttering, Bugs Bunny style, no actual swear words> Lousy rotten stinking worthless Autobot pile of useless scrap!
SCOURGE: <Waspinator voice> Ooooh Sand Castle-bot. *Cough* *Cough* <Resumes original Scourge voice>. Want me to disembowel Ultra Magnus?
GALVATRON: There are plenty of Autobots for you, Scourge. Ultra Magnus is *mine*! Mine to destroy, I mean. I don't mean he's, you know, "mine" mine. Uh, get going!
Scourge: Sure, whatever.
ARCEE: Stay close to me, Daniel!
HOT ROD: And you'd better stay close to me, if you know what I mean and I
think you do.
(Explosion opens a hole in front of the three. Arcee catches the dazed Hot Rod)
ARCEE: Save your macho-boy comments until we're no longer fighting for our lives!
(By the shuttles. Grimlock in dino mode)
*BLURR: Nice dino good dino sweet dino just get into the nice spaceship before we blow up pretty pretty please with a cherry and some whipped cream nice dino sweet dino!
GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock not nice dino. Me bash brains!
(spits flame at a Sweep, who crashes and burns)
MAGNUS: Blurr, quit fooling around and get the Dinobots into the shuttle!
*BLURR: I'm trying to get them into the shuttle Ultra Magnus--
MAGNUS: Whatever, I don't have time, forget it. Kup, Hot Rod, you guys get the Dinobots aboard and get out of here!
KUP: This reminds me of the battle on Alpha Nine. Or was it seven? No, nine.
Hot Rod: Could we do the history lesson later?
Kup: All right, but it's one killer story. Why, the petrorabbits--Grimlock, get your noodle out of my face!
Sludge: Now that sounds a bit rude.
GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock *love* Kup's war stories.
KUP: You're living one now. (To Hot Rod:) Engage the boosters, for Cybertron's sake! <under breath> or were you absent the day they taught *that*, too?
Hot Rod: What?
GRIMLOCK: Tell Grimlock about petrorabbits again.
KUP: I'll give you petrorabbits right across your face if you don't sit down! Contact!
<shuttle takes off>
(Near other shuttle...)
SPRINGER: Looks like we're shipmates, pal.
SPRINGER: You know, it's amazing how jovial you are even though your father's snuffed it and you're being shot at by giant evil robots.
DANIEL: (next to open hatch) Wait, Ultra Magnus, Arcee's still out there!
(Arcee runs up alongside accelerating shuttle; Springer leans out hatch)
(She jumps, his hand engulfs her wrist, drags her in)
DANIEL: (Presses switch to close door)
That was close.
SPRINGER: Believe it or not, this is the fun part!
Arcee: <sultry> Hmm... I believe it.
(The shuttles fly off)
(The two Autobot shuttles, in space somewhere)
MAGNUS: Congratulations, Autobots, we've lost them. So rest while you can.
Magnus: Sorry, never mind. I was looking out the wrong window.
(On the other shuttle, Kup is telling stories while Hot Rod practices swordfighting with a drone)
KUP: Yup, I remember, the dust was so thick on Beta Four... or was it three? No, four.
GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock want to hear good part of story!
SWOOP: Good part, Kup! Tell Swoop good part!
KUP: Okay, okay. Well, the dust was really thick, see? And it was hard to see, on account of the dust, being thick. And so when this giganitc Ikyak came tromping and stomping down the mountain, flame spewing out of its nostrils, we could barely see it, because the dust was so thick. And I remember thinking--
Grimlock: Me Grimlock think Kup hit his head in that last battle.
*<Droid fighting sounds>
HOT ROD: Hey, Kup, don't you think we have better things to do now than tell old war stories?
*<More droid fighting sounds>
<Pacman chomping sounds. Pacman dying sounds>
*Droid: Time out, time out, time out.
KUP: Oh, like playing videogames while the Decepticons are on our backs? Yes, we can all learn a lesson in strategy from you, Hot Rod.
Hot Rod: You're still mad at me, aren't you? That one little mistake.
(Dinobots): No! Tell story! Shh! Quiet! Tell story! We want to hear story!
HOT ROD: Hold it! They're closing on us!
KUP: Brilliant deduction.
Kup: Just like the shrie-bats of Dromadon. Or was it...
HOT ROD: How'd you beat them?
KUP: I'm trying to remember. There were an awful lot of casualties that day. Ah, yes, we inverted polarities--
Hot Rod: Invert the polarities, of course!
(Hot Rod inverts the shuttle's polarity)
<Missiles strike the ship>
Hot Rod: Ah!
Kup: --but that didn't work, so we launched some countermeasures, and that seemed to do the trick.
Hot Rod: <weakly> Launching countermeasures...
(Missiles blow up, just off their bow)
HOT ROD: Well, we survived that!
KUP: Yeah, but will we survive *that*?
GALVATRON: Cyclonus, transform and attack!
Cyclonus: As you command, mighty Galvatron!
(Cyclonus launches from the 'Con ship and attacks, blasting lots of holes)
KUP: I can't control it! The power steering's shot!
HOT ROD: We're gonna crash!
(The ship's prow and flight deck crumple as it plows into a nearby metal planet with a bizarrely twisted ring system -- QUINTESSA)
Narrator: Meanwhile, on the Other Shuttle
Springer: The Decepticons are right behind us!
Ultra Magnus: Evasive maneuvers!
Perceptor: We've lost power on the secondary propulsion systems!
Ultra Magnus: Try rerouting the plasma conduit through the ventral sensor array.
Springer: Our shields are weakening.
Ultra Magnus: Transfer power from the integrity field.
Perceptor: The coffee machine is only serving decaf.
Ultra Magnus: Turn it off for five seconds, then restore the power and change the filter.
Springer: Looks like Kup and Hot Rod just bought it.
Ultra Magnus: I can't deal with that now!
SPRINGER: Face it, Magnus, the Decepticons are gonna dog us until they see us dead.
MAGNUS: Then that's exactly what they're gonna see! Prepare for auto-destruct!
Arcee: Wait! I have a better idea. How about emergency separation?
PERCEPTOR: That's incredibly dangerous! But... I like your plan better than his.
SCOURGE: The Autobots have been terminated, Lord Galvatron.
GALVATRON: Excellent, and the Matrix has died with them! Nothing can stop me now! Bwahaha!
(Is hit with red pain)
Ah! I forgot! Unicron, why? (Gasps) Take me to Unicron. Take me now! (Convulses on the deck)
ARCEE: Well, we're alive, buy how are we gonna get anywhere in *this* wreck?
MAGNUS: Perceptor, can you locate a place to set down for repairs?
Then... take us there.
(An ocean somewhere on that metal planet, full of robot fish, robot
sea anenomes that eat the fish, robot seaweed. Hot Rod is ensnared in
some weed, and is being attacked by robot piranha)
Narrator: Meanwhile, the other shuttle has crashed into an ocean on the
HOT ROD: Kup! Grimlock! Slag! Sludge, even! ANYBODY!
KUP: Hot Rod! Help me!
HOT ROD: Where are you?
KUP: Over here, you tin-plated turnip head! Help!
Hot Rod: Ah, a giant squid has hold of you. No problem...
(Kup has been snared by a huge robot squid. Hot Rod cuts off a few tentacles with a rotary blade, then stops.)
Kup: What did you stop for?
HOT ROD: So, *Kup*... are you going to keep riding me about that little... error in judgment I made?
Kup: What?! You got Prime killed! You... <robot squid tightens grip> Okay, okay! I won't say another word. Friends?
Hot Rod: Game on.
<slices rest of squid>
KUP: Fix me!
HOT ROD: Sure thing, pal.
(Magnus' shuttle about to crash on Junkion)
Narrator: Meanwhile, on the planet of Junk...
MAGNUS: Brace for impact!
DANIEL: (Gets up from under her body) I'm okay. Actually, that was kinda fun.
Arcee, under breath: Perv...
MAGNUS: Let's try to salvage this thing.
DANIEL: Can I help too?
SPRINGER: It's rough out there, kid. So, sure!
ARCEE: I think Daniel can make himself useful with *this*.
Springer: Arcee! Put that away. He's just a child.
Arcee: It's just Spike's exo-suit.
Springer: Ah, never mind.
DANIEL: Dad's exo-suit! He told me all about it.
ARCEE: Here, try it on. Now, try to walk.
DANIEL: It's kind of tricky--whoa, oh!
ARCEE: <snort> Keep on practicing. You'll get the hang of it. <snicker>
MAGNUS: Come on, showtime's over. We've got work to do. Or, more precisely, you've got work to do, I've got overseeing to do.
(They disembark onto the surface)
DANIEL: (whistles) This must be New Jersey.
(Nearby, JUNKIONS rise from beneath the surface, blending in to the debris)
<ominous sound effects>
WRECK-GAR: To Catch a Thief, No Wells Fargo Wagon coming down *this* street, hello, Perfect Strangers, you are Number Six. By hook or by crook, no Survivors.
Narrator: And they all lived *happily* ever after. Oh, wait. No they
(Copyright) 2001 by Túrin