The Enterprise streaked across space at warp 6. It was on its way to the Terran System to pick up an important ambassodor to the krech 'a vex a pak neo phileo schlema shlomakali mashektiday, a race recently met on the outreaches of Federation space. Their language was very complex, and it was impossible to learn by any but the most learned liguistic scholars. Such was the ambassador, who had a unique knack for learning languages, and was himself fluent in 468 distince forms of communications.
The Enterprise arrived at sector 001, Earth, to find the ambassador dead. As a doornail. His aide explained, "Well, a piece of toast got stuck in the toaster, and he grabbed a fork to get it out. . ."
So the Enterprise had come 43,000,000,000,000,000 miles for nothing. Phooey.
The Enterprise was ready to depart, but as Ensign Ro was executing a U-turn, Data called from Ops, "Captain, we are picking up a disturbance near the sun. It appears to be a temporal rift and. . ."
"Mr. Picard, report,"said Worf. Picard called out, "It appears to be a Federation Starship, Captain. Registry coming in...NCC-1701-A."
"The U.S.S. Enterprise?" said Worf. "That ship disappeared nearly 80 years ago. Open a channel, Lieutenant."
"Channel open," said Troi, at Tactical. "Attention, U.S.S. Enterprise," said Captain Worf, "This is a Federation Starship. Please turn on your viewscreen and acknowledge."
The Captain of the other ship appeared. His eyes widened. "A Klingon! Mr. Checkov, fire all weapons!" The viewscreen went off.
Worf looked bored. "Knock out their weapons and lock on Tractor Beam, Lieutenant." Troi answered, "Aye, Captain."
The U.S.S. Enterprise-A Captain came on the viewscreen. "You Klingon b--, hey, there are humans on board! What's going on?"
"You seem to be suffering from jet lag," said Worf. "You are in the 24th century now, and the Klingon Empire and the Federation have fused into the United Federation of Planets and Klingons. I am Worf, Captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise, 1701-F."
"F?" said Kirk. "Well," said Worf, "The UFP&K has been through a lot, and lost a lot of ships. Perhaps you should beam over and tell us how you came 80 years into the future."
Elsewhere in the Enterprise-F, Chief Botanist Guinan dropped her pruning shears and looked up. "What the /*&%$ happened?" she screamed. "I'm not a $ botanist!" She called the bridge and told them everything was all wrong, and that the Enterprise-C had to go back. "But," said Worf, "it's the A." "Who cares?" said Guinan. She told him that the -A caused an alternate time line and that in the real universe, Worf was a Lieutenant, not a Captain, and that Troi was a counselor, not a fierce tactical officer. Worf didn't like this, and ordered Guinan to be executed. After all, Worf liked being Captain.
Worf and Commander Yar met Kirk, Spock, and McCoy in Transporter Room 3. McCoy got on board and said to Chief La Forge, "I hate that thing. I always think I'm going to be scattered into atoms by accident."
"Don't worry," said La Forge. "It won't be by accident." He then transported McCoy into the sun and laughed.
Kirk and Spock stared at him. Kirk screamed, "You barbarian!! I thought this was a Federation ship!!" As guards dragged him away and laughed, Worf said, "You idiot, you were always getting captured in the days of the Federation. Why should now be any different? This isn't a Federation ship. It's a Pakled ship! The Federation crumbled 80 years ago. The Pakled Empire succeeded it because we are smart!!" Spock turned to La Forge and said, "Putting McCoy into the sun was a very logical thing to do. I hated him."
Kirk and Spock sat in detention cell Q trying to find a means of escape. Kirk tried playing a game of Fizzbin with the guard, but the security crewman got angry and shot Kirk on setting 4.
Kirk awoke in Sickbay. Data was saying, ". . .surance?" "What?" said Kirk. "Do you have Medical Insurance?" asked Dr. Data. "No," said Kirk, and was booted out of sickbay. Data yelled, "Get %$# out of here! No insurance! I don't buy spare parts for myself with IOU's. Get out!"
Kirk was taken to see Worf in his unready room. "Wait a minute," said Worf. "I'm not ready yet. Okay, come in. You, Captain Kirk, are to surrender your ship to the Pakled Empire."
Kirk said, "No! I won't comply! I'll. . ." He was silenced by a swift kick to the groin by Lieutenant Commander Troi. "Speak when spoken to, you &$^"
"Okay," sang Kirk. Worf said, "Explain why you came here." Kirk, after he regained consciousness, began, "We had just saved the President of the UFP at the Khitomer Conference. I was due to retire in 3 months but didn't want to. I get lots of chicks when I say I'm a Starfleet Captain. I didn't want to give that up, so we traveled through time."
"Well," said Worf, "that's very interesting. now give me your ship, or we'll beam you into the sun you join your buddy McCoy. But first we'll take your crew, and I'll personally pull out their tongues, boil them, and while they watch, eat them. Then I'll slide them naked down a razor bannister into a pool of Ammonia. Now do you want to see them go through that, or will you quietly give us your ship?"
"You win," said Kirk, and Troi grabbed him by the hair and drug him out. "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!" said Worf.
Engineering chief O'Brien was having a boring day. He called Acting Guinea Pig Wesley Crusher to Engineering. "Wes, come with me. We're having a problem with the reactor core." They climbed up a catwalk and peered over into the core. "See there?" said Wes, "that's your problem, an electromagnetic fissure has. . . Ahhhhhhhhh!" he screamed as he plummeted down into the reactor. Chief Engineer O'Brien brightened. Maybe today wouldn't be that boring after all, he thought, climbing back from where he had "accidentally" pushed Wesley.
Spock sat bored in the brig. The Captain was gone, and when he came back he was crying for someone called "mommy." Lt. Cmmdr. Troi left looking sadisticly pleased.
Meanwhile, on the Enterprise-A, Checkov sat bored, waiting for some word. "Why does the stupid Captain always have to go!?" he said. "The idiot probably got himself captured again. Uhura, open a chnnel to the Enterprise-F. This is Commander Checkov-" "Shut up, toad," said Yar. "Prepare to be boarded." Suddenly, a boarding party beamed on the bridge and beat the tar out of everybody. Then they did so on the rest of the ship too.
The huge cubicle ship zoomed towards Earth with a single purpose: Get a new recipe for brownies. Once the Borg had assimilated all cultures into their collective mind. Then they happened upon the Cookorns, of Chefus IV. When they were assimilated, their love of culinary expertise was downloaded into the Borg uni-mind. It changed them forever. The Borks (Borg + Cook) now searched the galaxy for new and interesting ways of cooking, and assimilated these recipes. Now they were on their way toward Earth, the center of the Pakled Empire.
Worf reported by subspace to his commanding officer. "We are smart," he said. "We captured the ship and all their crew."
"Good," said Herziining, the Pakled CO, "Bring their ship into orbit."
Worf called his not-here team on his communicator. "Yar and Troi, report."
"Here, Captain. We have succeeded."
"Good. Yar, take command and bring the Enterprise into orbit around the sun.
Kirk awoke to find Spock shaking him. "Captain, we must hurry. Come on." Kirk saw that the two security dudes in the brig had fallen asleep. "How did it happen?" said Kirk.
"I told them about the time we went to Yosemite and the Great Barrier, and the stuff that happened at Sha Ka Ri, and also our encounter with V'Ger. They got bored and fell asleep."
Spock continued, "It is possible to deactivate the force field if we reverse the polarity of . . ." Kirk started to fall asleep, and Spock woke him. "As I was saying..." "Just do it!" said Kirk.
Spock and Kirk stole some phasers and stormed down the hall with Kirk firing at anyone who got in the way. Unfortunately, it took him about 7 tries to find the stun setting and he killed 5 people. "Whoops!" he said.
Worf looked sheepish as Kirk and Spock stood on the bridge, phasers drawn, in command. Kirk was happy because he had escaped capture and was optimistic about winning. Unfortunately, the Borks showed up.
Worf gave them the recipe for Heart of Targ and Gagh in exchange for helping regain control of his ship. However, the Borks decided that wasn't enough, so they crippled the Enterprise-F and drained its replicator memory banks in 10-Backward and all the others too. Then they left.
Kirk and Spock proceeded to regain conrol of the Enterprise-A, and started to hit the Enterprise-F with phasers, photon torepedoes, and rocks.
"Worf to O'Brien, we need warp drive!!" called Worf. But O'Brien was in no position to answer. Crusher had deserted her place at the conn and had strung O'Brien up by his thumbs and was beating the tar out of him for the death of her son. "You idiot!! How could you!! That was my son!! I wanted to kill him!!"
Kirk left the Enterprise-F dead in the water, then blasted away around the sun at warp 9.6.
". . . is closing in on itself, said Data, at Ops." "Very well," said the Captain. "Launch a class III probe to monitor it. Let's go to Denebus IV, Ensign Ro, warp 6." "Course laid in, sir," said Ensign Ro. "Engage," said Worf.
Well, I told you it wasn't good. Don't say I didn't warn you